Do you ever wake up wondering who the hell you have become?
Am I the mother that I dreamed I would be? Am I the wife that I planned to be? Do I even know what kind of person I am anymore? Who I really am?I don't feel like I'm having an identity crisis, but maybe I am most days. I do sometimes wonder who I've become and if I'm the person that I wanted to be when I grew up. Am I still the me I remember? I don't even look like me anymore. I wonder.... are my Husband and kids proud of me? Is my family back home proud of me? Are my bosses proud of my work? If not..... what do I do with that? I'm not really sure what I want... if I should continue working... if I should just work at home, just stay at home and be mom? I wonder if i'm focusing enough on home and family? At work I wonder if I'm really doing what I set out to do when I took the position. I wanted to help people. I'm not sure that I'm doing enough. When I have to draw a line between home and work I see the disappointment on the kids' faces. When I have to decide between doing more, or doing what I'm being paid for I get stuck in this lose-lose.. or maybe its win-win between doing too much and not doing enough. Somedays I'm not sure what I was thinking. My husband says I should quit one day, then the next we are both grateful for the money in hand. My kids love and hate my work. They have to share thier mommy a dozen ways and counting. 18 kids enrolled not including mine, and then the parents, and then the classes that I'm required to put together. I see in thier eyes that they feel torn just like I do. We all Love going and helping, serving the kids healthy snacks and summer lunch and being there for them to be able to ask for help, and being someone people can count on, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a resource whenever possible. Then, I see the look I know all too well, the one that says: "why can't we just be us,... at home together?" I wanted so badly to have a nice relaxed summer schedule and go on vacation, hand out with the family, even if it was just nearby. I may still be able to do all that and more but sometimes I am pulled so thin that I feel like I'm going to tear away like a spider's web all delicate and fragile. Simply put, I'm going outta my mind with lists of things yet to be done, reminders, schedules and alarms up the yin-yang. As you have probably read already I have four kiddos a teen, pre-teen, twin soon to be 5year olds and a hard working husband, I work part time at a after school/summer kids program, I babysit a happy little infant full time and I am so tired. ;) I have lots of great ideas musings and fun going on in my head, but I'm so busy I don't have time to get it all out. Is it whining to say it has been a rough day everyday?? I have to be that web. Connected at various points across a vast space. I'm not the spider.. no... everyone else,... they are the spiders. They are all beautiful, tiny, pretty little spiders. They weave me and stretch me, need me over here and over there, send me this way and that and I willingly bend and flex wanting ever so much to be there. Help, holding, supportive and intricately able to do it all. Invisible if your not looking, but strong enough to sustain what is counting on me 2survive. I am the web. Glistening in the sun, planned out, strategic and simple, but beautiful. I am the web. Ever changing in design. Sometimes I may be torn asunder by a passerby who doesn't know I'm there, or stretched too thin by one string too many and break away. Other times I may give and tear from the weight of it all. Always though, I will be again glistening in the sun ready to catch the morning dew, ready to glint and gleam in the first rays of the morning sun, because my little spiders, all of them need me, and that makes me shine.So, with that I leave my hopeful blog again with a promise that I will return to write sooner than later. Back to the lists and schedules ....
